With Amazon, who needs Santa?

Pricey Santa,

This isn’t what you could assume it’s. I don’t want any last-minute items. I want to provide you some unhealthy information: You’ve gotten been changed.

Oh, you possibly can drop off some shock items for our granddaughter in case you like, however in any other case, your substitute has taken care of the remaining.

His identify is Amazon, and he now handles practically all the things we purchase in the course of the holidays, from easy gadgets like an $eight over-the-door wreath holder to significantly dearer toys and electronics.

Up to now, Santa, we supplemented your items with stuff we purchased at these locations the information media wish to name brick-and-mortar shops. We name them shops, and in some methods they have been enjoyable. Customers may hear Christmas music, see festive decorations and run into folks they knew. Additionally, they may truly see and contact merchandise earlier than shopping for it.

There’s a draw back of all that touchy-feely merriment, nevertheless. Shops are crowded and most of their vacation music ranges from merely cheesy to downright grotesque. (Wayne Newton ought to be prosecuted for his ear-worm-inducing “Jingle Bell Rock.”) Amazon doesn’t play music on his web site, and different buyers don’t crowd his aisles or drive you to attend whereas they unload a thousand and one gadgets in entrance of a retailer clerk who’s popping gum and mumbling that she’s purported to be on break.

However better of all, whether or not individuals are sprawled on their sofas or mendacity in mattress of their pajamas, they’ll store with Amazon any time of day or evening. They don’t need to hurry to the shop after work or on the weekends, and so they don’t have to fret about site visitors jams or getting mugged within the parking zone. As soon as a consumer has informed Amazon what he desires and has paid for it together with his bank card that Amazon kindly retains on file, he tells Amazon the place to ship his packages, which present up at his home or workplace in a few days at no further cost.

Whilst you’re feeding and cleansing up after your herd of smelly reindeer, Santa, these guys are driving vehicles that navigate by satellite tv for pc mapping apps as an alternative of shiny pink noses. Sorry; that was a low blow. Nonetheless, I believe you get my level. You’re a pleasant man, and I’m positive loads of folks will follow you, particularly the Wayne Newton followers. I respect all you’ve accomplished for us previously, together with the enjoyment you introduced my kids after they have been small. Know-how modifications all the things, nevertheless; and so, farewell.

Your good friend,

Frances

*****

Pricey Mrs. Coleman,

Pardon me if I don’t handle you as Frances, however a real good friend wouldn’t — and couldn’t — have written such a letter. You’re proper, although. Occasions change, know-how modifications and, clearly, pals change, too.

Do as you want, however a minimum of permit me the courtesy of mentioning a number of issues. For starters, seeing as how I hand-deliver my packages to folks’s Christmas bushes, my pals don’t have to fret about their items being stolen off their porches. Additionally, do you actually assume your private info is secure on the web and that “free supply” is basically free? In that case, I’ve acquired a sure bridge I’d wish to promote you — that’s, when you’ve managed to reclaim your identification and restore your credit score.

And, lastly, there may be this. While you mingle with different buyers, even those who get pleasure from Wayne Newton, you could have the chance to work together, to trade greetings, to share smiles, to want each other a joyful Christmas and even perhaps to toss slightly change within the Salvation Military’s kettle. Attempt doing that at dwelling in your pajamas.

So go forward. Take a giant chunk of enjoyable out of the vacation season and drive one other nail within the retail trade’s coffin. Abandon native retailers, too, in order that at some point you possibly can surprise why there are such a lot of shuttered storefronts in your neighborhood.

As for me and my reindeer, we’ll proceed to “make glad the guts of childhood,” because the New York Solar’s editor informed that valuable little Virginia. Fickle pals and two-day supply apart, no one does that a part of Christmas higher than us.

Santa Claus

P.S. While you’re able to apologize, you recognize the place I reside.